Monday, 5 September 2016

Testimony of a bereaved parent

This deeply moving and tragic testimony was submitted as a comment last week. It merits its own post.

"As someone who had a child (who died at the age of 21 months in a car accident, never comprehending what was happening to him), I'd like to say a few things.

The first is this: it was the single greatest joy I ever experienced. And he was overjoyed to be alive. You could see it in his face and how he ran about. I never loved anyone or anything more. I don't think I could have. I was more alive and joyous and ecstatic than I had ever been. I delighted in his growth and his intelligence, strength and courage. It was likely the best time of my life. And I'm grateful for it.

Then he died. Run over by his mom in a driveway. Totally not her fault. She thought he was playing with me somewhere else and could not see him (she was backing up). I had forgotten what my wife was doing and never thought he was in danger where he was. Neither of us was drunk, or high, or anything else like that. Kids played on that road all the time. We were just doing what we always did together. Then he died.

That was the worst pain I ever experienced. I won't go into it. It was beyond awful, more painful than when I almost lost a thumb to a wood splitter. I thought I would die for most of it. I just could not believe that my beautiful son was gone, just like that. I had brought him into the world only to die at 21 months old. I was (in other's eyes, not just my own) a great father, as these things go, and heaven knows his mom was lovely. I loved him dearly, more than I had words for. I would have literally died to protect him, and that is no joke. But that choice was not given to me. I had no control at all, in the end, other than the obvious things like loving him, educating him, and not hitting or abusing him or wrecking his sense of self and belonging. Life had cars, and diseases, and other life-threatening things I could not stop. But somehow I had forgotten that, as my wife and I had had fairly happy childhoods and had survived. Not so for him.

As time has gone by, I have thought about whether I had any right to bring a person into this world, even when circumstances are (and they were) good, or at least as good as they could have possibly been. Given what I have learned about our condition in the universe, and the extreme evidence brought about by my son's early death, at this point I would have to say 'no'. I don't. Even though I think he would have had a really good life had he lived to see it, and he did have about the best of all possible worlds when he was alive, I don't know that for a fact. I just wish I had thought about this before he lived, and died, as much as I loved him and as much as I wish he was still here long enough to say 'sorry' to and wish him on his way (even though I know in my head he cannot hear me and is now just bones). I'll live with what happened forever. And as beautiful as he was and as great as it was to have him in our lives, I hope and pray (ha!) that I'll never do that again. It's not fair. The next one could die too, or worse.

Thanks for listening. This seemed an appropriate place to tell this story."

63 comments:

  1. My deepest empathy and condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Señor Karl.
    I read this testimony. I can only send my condolescences. Raúl

    ReplyDelete
  3. WE MISS YOU KARL!You post so infrequently these day.
    Hope you are fine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fine, thanks for asking! Hope you're well also!

      Delete
  4. As a testimony it speaks to me about the grief of discovering how little control over life we have. It speaks of the sensitivity of parents who assume anything but futility as they engage with their children, and there are no isms in it, no short cuts or assumed knowledge. What it says to me is that grief is our deepest teacher and something we should have the utmost respect for.

    ReplyDelete
  5. First of all, i am sorry for my English. I am still triyng to dominate this language. That is why i usually do not comment.
    But i can read very well and i need to say that this blog is great. And the author is a great writer. Congratulations man.
    I have read all your posts and you are right in every thing you say.
    This is a fucking, stupid world. I seriously don't understand what the fuck are we, as humankind, still doing here. Definitely do not understand what the fuck am i doing here.
    If you have had the bad idea of starting to think for yourself, you are already condemned.

    Greetings from Argentina.
    I hope you keep on writing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. before i read article, good to see a new one, the boredom is killing me :(

    ReplyDelete
  7. he "hopes" he will never do that again.

    ReplyDelete
  8. When we are born, it is like our parents setting us on a path that leads to a cliff edge. Each year, take another few steps forward. Inevitably, we're going over that edge. Parents are indoctrinated to focus on all the wrong things. Take pride, your child is crawling! Oh look, he's walking! He's giggling! A cheer for another step, and another. Take your focus off from your child. Lift your eyes and see the world, your child is dying. Maybe she's still very much alive, but only so many more steps can be taken before the plunge. For the sake of pride, for the sake of good feelings, for the sake of fitting in, for the sake of misguided notions of what love is- the child is sacrificed. As humans we have to learn that real love might not feel good. It might feel empty, like empty arms with nobody to hold. Real love might deprive us of every good feeling and every dream, because it is a sacrifice of self. We either sacrifice ourselves, or someone else. So who's it going to be? As for me, the only one I'm sending over that cliff, is myself

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well done. No more new victims.

      Delete
    2. That's a really nice and honest post ! it troubles me greatly, that the real world we live in lacks this level of awareness.

      Delete
  9. Hey Karl, good to see you're still around. Hope you've been well.

    This is an interesting piece.

    If I'm honest, I have limited sympathy for the parent concerned, but unending sympathy for his child.

    Parents don't care about the horrors that can befall a child until it happens to their own. It's the selfish breeder mentality that allows them to impose life in the first place.

    In a similar manner, parents don't care that their child will die so long as they don't have to witness it.

    The remorse of this particular parent seems genuine, but one must consider:

    Had a stranger backed over his child instead of his wife, would he have experienced the same guilt he feels now?

    Or would he blame the stranger, chalk it up to misfortune, and have another child?

    Food for thought, I guess.

    Take care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree completely! The purpose of the father's confession seems self-serving.But I guess it's a good thing that his baby's death showed him the right path.

      Delete
  10. Yeah, I'm with Anonymous (Sept. 19) on this one. Hopefully they learn from their mistake, and even if I despise the cause of their grief, the grief itself is still terrible and I wish it on no one.

    It's to bad people have to be personally hurt to start caring about the immense pain in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I agree with Anonymous except I'll take it a step further. I have zero sympathy for this person apart from the sympathy I have (or maybe I don't have) for everyone who is a part of this life mess. First, the kid is lucky he died. I wish I was hit by my mom when I was young. Then I wouldn't be here today typing this pointless post. The dad doesn't understand (of course he doesn't) that life is one problem after another and there is no such thing as a good life. The clueless dad thinks that if A,B, and C (birthday parties, college, job, etc) happen but D doesn't (tragic accident or disease) then the kid's life is somehow great and life is go. That's 100% incorrect, because it's still a deprivational mechanism at play.

    But that argument aside, this dad simply cares about himself and having to live with the fact that his kid is dead. He doesn't really care about the kid, just as he didn't care about the kid before he had it. To be honest, I don't see the point posting something like this. The whole idea of the piece just seems very off to me when looking at it without Pollyanna glasses.

    ReplyDelete
  12. What's the point of you typing this? You are a sad sociopathic bitch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's the point of you reading a pessimist/antinatalist blog,except perhaps to troll it?

      Delete
  13. Anon, please tell me what parts of my post you disagree with? Do you not believe that all we do every second of each day is try to relieve deprivations (hungry/thirsty--eat/drink, horny--have sex/masturbate, bored--look for entertainment)? Do you not believe that life is an overwhelmingly negative experience? Do you think that the dad in the story really cares about his dead kid instead of merely caring about himself that he has to live with the fact that his kid is dead? I'm you're going to call me names, that's fine, but provide justification. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some grew wiser

      You just grew older

      Delete
    2. You don't have any defense, do you? All you can do is throw out some silly phrases and ignore my points. That's the typical trademark when someone is overwhelmed emotionally and can't logically understand the content. I know my comments make you very uncomfortable emotionally, but at least try to put your emotions aside and analyze the situation.

      Delete
    3. And you never listened anyway and that's the hell of it

      Delete
  14. lindsey,
    I'm the anon that defended you. You are right about parents. They say ignorance of the law is no excuse. The same standard should apply to those that reproduce!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you for the comments. The hypocrisy out there in this world drives me crazy.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lindsey earlier wrote, "I feel zero sympathy for this person."
    I will go further than that because, while reading the above testimony of a supposed 'bereaved parent' instead of sympathy I felt a shudder of profoundest disgust: like a Slimy Creature from the Primordial
    Swamp snake slithering around my body,turning to face me and spitting in my eyes.

    As a born empath who grew up surrounded by a motley assortment of malignant narcissists/pathological liars I am very familiar with that slithering snake and spitting in my eyes feeling. Over a lifetime I have listened to myriad outrageous lies from narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths. Today I understand their distinctive modes and patterns of speech. You, Karl, and your readers have been taken for a ride by a Mr. Phony Baloney Bereaved Parent.

    Consider the following paragraph:

    "Then he died. Run over by his mom. Totally not her fault...I had forgotten what my wife was doing and never thought he was in danger where he was... Kids played on that road all the time. We were just doing what we always did together. Then he died."

    I would love to show the above piece of base, cheap phoniness and malicious nastiness to an expert in psychopathy or narcissism. There are many around the world who study the revealing speech and grammar of such people. I am more than certain they would see what I saw. I could write a chapter just on the one paragraph cited. However.

    Any true bereaved parent would not ever think, say, or write the perfunctory and distant, "He died."
    A true parent would forever take full responsibility and openly admit,"He was killed and it was my fault because I was in charge of looking after him and I failed. I will never forgive myself."

    "He died" are the words of a monster either fully responsible for the incident described if it ever occurred, or else part of the invented fairytale of a pathological liar/narcissist/ psychopath; invented fairytale to mock the empathy of the author of this blog and its readers. I have no doubt of this.

    Narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths are sometimes referred to as 'soul stealers' and 'soul vampires.'
    They feed not only on the fear instilled in targeted victims but also on empathy.

    Please take back your empathy, Karl. The author of the above fake testimony is undeserving. Thank you for a wonderful, intelligent blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are a paranoid schizophrenic

      Delete
    2. so not having the "proper" reaction in a society that's not one-size-fits-all with personalities makes one a sociopath? I think faking it is worse since it's not in any way being true. "because ~he~ didn't say it the way I've seen ~others~ say it, wah wah semantics" maybe some people don't have emotional Tourettes, jeez.

      Delete
  17. Well said, Anonymous. I wasn't thinking of it in those specific terms, but you're right. "He died" is the tell there. Thanks for pointing this out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lindsey,
      thank you. My comment sounded very harsh- I know it- but it comes from a person who, IRL, is very kind and empathic. Malice or cruelty make up no part of my character.
      However, some years back I discarded my "Pollyanna glasses" (great expression) because they had never served me well at all.

      Anyway, the letter in question sent off loud alarm bells - my Merde Detector- in my head on first reading it. From the initial paragraphs which read like a Mills & Boone romance novel rather than a true account. Just add a sobbing violin as background music and voila'.

      As stated, I grew up with an assortment of people who fall somewhere on the spectrum of what psychology terms the Dark Triad of personalities: Narcissists, Machiavellians, and Psychopaths. I believe Sadists have recently been added to that spectrum.
      The one thing that those personality types have in common is that none of them are capable of accepting responsibility for their actions.
      They could be standing there with a dead body at their feet, with a bloody knife in hand, and they will calmly state, "He/she (the dead person)fell on the knife. He/she killed himself/herself. Not my fault."

      This is what I saw in the supposed bereaved parent's letter. If you come across someone like that IRL, just leave. Don't walk. Run. And never feel sympathy or empathy because they will use it against you.

      As a child I discovered (under life threatening circumstance) that the only other way to treat a psychopath (if you cannot escape them) is to act more psycho than they are. They freak out.
      It was brutal lesson.


      Delete
    2. Paranoid schizophrenic above

      Delete
  18. I love it when I see cruel jerks like you congratulate themselves for their 'kindness and empathy' and then proceed to show just what self-obsessed idiots they are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To the Anonymous above: you are the 'bereaved parent' author of the letter in question, aren't you?
      You just could not keep away from the blog you trolled in order to see the effect of your very obviously phony, lame handiwork.
      I know your type very well from experience: the projection of your own personality type (self-obsessed) onto another is another very well-known -classic- trait of narcissists in the field of psychology.

      DARVO - acronym for Deny Attack Reverse Victim Obstruct the telling of truth is also very well-known: the typical behaviour of a Narcissist-Psychopath-Sadist-Pathological Liar when caught out in lies. And I caught you, didn't I? You are freaking out- lashing out in anger- just as I've seen in the past from others such as you.

      Note well my "self-obsessed idiot" comment. "Self-obsessed idiot" that I am I offered specific information on the Dark Triad-Driad of personalities which anyone who wishes to research for themselves can now do.

      "Self-obsessed idiot" that I am, I wrote my initial comment in this post to inform anyone who wishes to learn how to protect themselves from liars/narcissists/psychopaths and other controlling personality types.

      This 'self-obsessed idiot" offered information.

      What have you offered except for a shoot the messenger ad hominem attack at a person you term a "self-obsessed idiot"...MENSA IQ "idiot" since childhood, MENSA IQ "pattern recognizing" intelligence which I am extremely grateful for because that childhood ability to parse suspect personalities kept me alive.

      Why am I an anti-natalist who refuses Pollyanna glasses to view the world? Because this "self-obsessed idiot" noticed from childhood that the world was not filled with Tra-La-La tip-toe-through-the-tulips beauty, goodness and light.

      Despite that knowledge, this "self-obsessed idiot" did not become bitter with the world or hateful. However, I very much despise those who attempt to use others as fools or credulous.
      I call out lies and liars when I see them.

      I called out you, Mr.Phoney Bereaved Parent.

      Please continue with the ad hominems. This "self-obsessed idiot" is used to them. I have been called very much worse by a serial killer I used to know.

      Delete
    2. No, I'm not the parent, idiot. And thanks for proving me right with your hysterical reaction.

      Delete
  19. The paranoid schizophrenia continues

    ReplyDelete
  20. I reach much the same conclusions as the Commenter Lindsey Wagners. The dad in question comes across as insufferably clueless; the father appears more interested in wallowing in his own sentimentality than he ever was involved with his son; the parent seems to be more concentrated about his own personal grief than he ever was concerned about his child.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To the Mister-Mean Spirited above: you are the 'bereaved parent' author of the letter in question, aren't you?
      You just could not keep away from the blog you trolled in order to see the effect of your very obviously phony, lame handiwork.
      I know your type very well from experience: the projection of your own personality type (self-obsessed) onto another is another very well-known -classic- trait of narcissists in the field of psychology.

      DARVO - acronym for Deny Attack Reverse Victim Obstruct the telling of truth is also very well-known: the typical behaviour of a Narcissist-Psychopath-Sadist-Pathological Liar when caught out in lies. And I caught you, didn't I? You are freaking out- lashing out in anger- just as I've seen in the past from others such as you.

      Note well my "self-obsessed idiot" comment. "Self-obsessed idiot" that I am I offered specific information on the Dark Triad-Driad of personalities which anyone who wishes to research for themselves can now do.

      "Self-obsessed idiot" that I am, I wrote my initial comment in this post to inform anyone who wishes to learn how to protect themselves from liars/narcissists/psychopaths and other controlling personality types.

      This 'self-obsessed idiot" offered information.

      What have you offered except for a shoot the messenger ad hominem attack at a person you term a "self-obsessed idiot"...MENSA IQ "idiot" since childhood, MENSA IQ "pattern recognizing" intelligence which I am extremely grateful for because that childhood ability to parse suspect personalities kept me alive.

      Why am I an anti-natalist who refuses Pollyanna glasses to view the world? Because this "self-obsessed idiot" noticed from childhood that the world was not filled with Tra-La-La tip-toe-through-the-tulips beauty, goodness and light.

      Despite that knowledge, this "self-obsessed idiot" did not become bitter with the world or hateful. However, I very much despise those who attempt to use others as fools or credulous.
      I call out lies and liars when I see them.

      I called out you, Mr.Phoney Bereaved Parent.

      Please continue with the ad hominems. This "self-obsessed idiot" is used to them. I have been called very much worse by a serial killer I used to know.

      Delete
    2. I have no children - dead or alive.

      Delete
    3. yeah, it feels good being childfree and munching the popcorn while everyone else accuses each other of every psychological label under the sun. Didn't know kids made people do that!

      Delete
  21. This is intended for moderation, not posting, but I feel bad for you, Karl. I mean, for having tried to run a place like this. Perhaps I'm assuming too much, but I expect if I tried to formulate my positions semi-publicly like this (and I've considered it many times) I'd end up pretty despondent eventually. The issue simply being that a large chunk of the readership and maybe 80% of the commentariat are just fucking idiots. It must get tedious.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anon. 10-25-16: Could you give us a sample portion of your worldview?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Replies
    1. Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and down you dig farting out the words. It was unlike anything I ever heard.This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell.This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventriloquist act. Real funny, too, at first. He had a number he called “The Better ‘Ole” that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, “Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?”“Nah I had to go relieve myself.”After a while the ass start talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his ass would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time.Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and started eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him: “It’s you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we don't need you around here any more. I can talk and eat and shit.”After that he began waking up in the morning with a transparent jelly like a tadpole’s tail all over his mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T., Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed over, and the whole head would have have amputated spontaneous except for the eyes you dig. That's one thing the asshole couldn’t do was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain couldn’t give orders any more. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes went out, and there was no more feeling in them than a crab’s eyes on the end of a stalk. Around the time you voted for him, in fact.

      Delete
    2. William Burroughs, the great misanthropist, would have liked this. Indeed he'd admire you as a copyist of his work. In his version the talking arse-hole would have got his own agent and discredited the body he was once subservient to, and then gone on talk shows across America where he/it would be rude under licence whilst his lady host would have simpered and laughed and fed him/it lines to be rude with. On the whole I think I would rather have William Burroughs for President than Donald John Trump, Burroughs would be more honest. Burroughs has had far fewer divorces, ghost written books, fraudulent financial empires etc than Trump could ever imagine. But electing the dead because they have proved that they spoke more truthful and have more integrity than the living is beyond present U.S. legislation.

      Delete
  24. Señor Karl,
    I hope you are well there and I also wish you keep writing. Greetings from Paraguay. Raúl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm ok, Raul. Good to hear from you. How are you?

      Delete
  25. Well,Señor Karl, if it had not been for the genetic programming and reinforced by the strong social condition we,humans, are subjected I would have not survived up to date. All this prevented me from feeling what I feel now and that is,feeling like a patient tied to a bed in a psychiatric warden in a place called Planet Earth. And this is all strengthened by the insanity I see here, our masters/megalomaniacs in power treating us like we all are, slaves, servants to those on top. They are our little gods. From my limited point of view, the ancients were right. We are pawns in this mad game. No, the puppets cannot rebel against the puppet masters.We are food to them.Please stay well in London. Raúl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You too, brother. Mind yourself down there!

      Delete
    2. Señor Karl
      I only wish you have quiet days in this 2016. Raul.

      Delete
  26. Man, I'm glad humans don't live forever. A lot of their BS dies when they do and for that small favor I am thankful.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Blog is dead, with the exception of spasms as rotten gasses leave the body and maggots make it twitch

    ReplyDelete
  28. This guy is fucking stupid and clueless. He says he had no right to bring a child into the world and then goes on to say...And as beautiful as he was and as great as it was to have him in our lives, I hope and pray (ha!) that I'll never do that again. It's not fair. The next one could die too, or worse. ....hey retard, you dont have to hope and pray it doesnt happen again, you just stop those babies coming out your wifes vagina. Get it? You FAILED to protect your son for all your big noting of your fatherly abilities and its just plain stupid to run over and kill your child in your own driveway. Thats not an accident. Thats negligence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To the Bored Stupid above: you are the 'bereaved parent' author of the letter in question, aren't you?
      You just could not keep away from the blog you trolled in order to see the effect of your very obviously phony, lame handiwork.
      I know your type very well from experience: the projection of your own personality type (self-obsessed) onto another is another very well-known -classic- trait of narcissists in the field of psychology.

      DARVO - acronym for Deny Attack Reverse Victim Obstruct the telling of truth is also very well-known: the typical behaviour of a Narcissist-Psychopath-Sadist-Pathological Liar when caught out in lies. And I caught you, didn't I? You are freaking out- lashing out in anger- just as I've seen in the past from others such as you.

      Note well my "self-obsessed idiot" comment. "Self-obsessed idiot" that I am I offered specific information on the Dark Triad-Driad of personalities which anyone who wishes to research for themselves can now do.

      "Self-obsessed idiot" that I am, I wrote my initial comment in this post to inform anyone who wishes to learn how to protect themselves from liars/narcissists/psychopaths and other controlling personality types.

      This 'self-obsessed idiot" offered information.

      What have you offered except for a shoot the messenger ad hominem attack at a person you term a "self-obsessed idiot"...MENSA IQ "idiot" since childhood, MENSA IQ "pattern recognizing" intelligence which I am extremely grateful for because that childhood ability to parse suspect personalities kept me alive.

      Why am I an anti-natalist who refuses Pollyanna glasses to view the world? Because this "self-obsessed idiot" noticed from childhood that the world was not filled with Tra-La-La tip-toe-through-the-tulips beauty, goodness and light.

      Despite that knowledge, this "self-obsessed idiot" did not become bitter with the world or hateful. However, I very much despise those who attempt to use others as fools or credulous.
      I call out lies and liars when I see them.

      I called out you, Mr.Phoney Bereaved Parent.

      Please continue with the ad hominems. This "self-obsessed idiot" is used to them. I have been called very much worse by a serial killer I used to know.

      Delete
    2. what the fuck are you on about? you absolute raving lunatic.

      Delete
  29. Shadow deleted his blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He took his toys and ran home crying after he learned other antinalists had the gall to agree with him on AN and disagree on other things

      Delete
  30. I saw that, Anon above. It was a couple of days after he made a bitterly anti-feminist post. The break-up with his girlfriend must have really crushed him. Raf, if you see this, I'm thinking of you bro. I used to post at your blog as Unknown.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rafa still has a YouTube channel at Soren Sofos.

      Delete
    2. I wish I understood Portugese.

      Delete
  31. Why did Metamorphhh delete his blog (antinatalism.blogspot.com) ?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Señor Karl,
    Whether you continue with your blog or not, I just wish you stay well wherever you are. Greetings from Paraguay. Raúl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Raul! Same to you. How are you?

      Delete
    2. Señor Karl,
      I am getting by here. I hope you are well in that crowded mega city called London. Raúl

      Delete