Monday, 9 July 2012

What the Fuck Are We Doing Here? (Higgs Boson, fuck off!)


Ok, it’s going to be an angry post. Angry, grrrrrrrrr. No particular reason, just woke up, it’s Monday, the skies are leaden-grey (Oh Summer, where art thou?), I don’t feel like doing anything, and I’m weary of existence. Definitely just one of those ‘What the fuck are we doing here?’ days.

Anyway, estnihil’s latest post features a heart-rending story about an acquaintance of his who committed suicide due to her inability to tolerate the suffering of the world and the general nature of existence:

A pen-pal (I think that's the word for e-mail friend) of mine recently committed suicide, and in her case she did not have a mental illness so much as an existential illness. While she was wide awake, performed excellently with a guitar and had long-distance running as a hobby, and most certainly felt pleasure in her life, she could not get past in life her insurmountable hatred for the way things are in the world. This is what I can glean from her past replies to my e-mails, in any case. Her problem was one that could never have been solved in the first place without either the power of a deity or an extremely realistic virtual reality machine. It was also an illness that was causing her quite a bit of suffering; she could not go through the day without hating the world more and more, without despising the desperate void of nothingness and the unthinking masses and the suffering all around us. If she was bad at anything, she was bad at self-delusion. And again, that is an insolvable problem for one whose values do not allow a change in this.


I felt real, hopeless anger when I read this. As someone who experiences the world more or less in identical terms to this girl, I despair. I mean, really, what the fuck are we doing here hanging around, hoping for who-knows-what? But, of course, life being what it is, there’s no way out (bar the pretty horrible recourse of committing a fatal assault on yourself) and no solution. You just have to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait and wait (What else is religion, ultimately, but waiting? Waiting for death, God, redemption, another dimension of existence and so on). And if you’re not good at delusion or distraction, time is going to hang heavy and I mean heavy.

And then, as commenters on the previous post were discussing, we have the usual moronic suspects peeing themselves over the Higgs-Boson particle. I mean SO FUCKING WHAT? The boffins have identified another element of matter, so fucking what? It doesn’t matter! Matter doesn’t matter! It’s just another cog in the great machine.  I mean, sure, intellectual satisfaction is nice and grand, but ultimately IT MAKES NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE TO LIFE AS LIVED. Does knowing how the physics of the guillotine operate make me feel better when I hear the whosh of the blade as it heads towards my neck? IDIOTS! ASSHOLES!

And to finish this rant, I’ve just been informed by someone in the PR business that a certain celeb has demanded 10,000 dollars to fly to and fro across the Atlantic to appear for 15 minutes on a London chat-show where they can spout on about themselves and generally masturbate on the moronic viewers. Yup, that’s the kind of world we live in, folks. Make the best of it!

Handan (estnihil’s deceased friend), RIP. You are truly in a better place.

51 comments:

  1. Karl, you said in a previous post that university was the best years of your life. Was it because you enjoyed the learning and academics, or were you a happy hedonist in those days? I'm not being a prying smart ass, it's just that here in the US, college seems to be one long "party" for many students.

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    1. Anonymous, it was a combination of both. I genuinely enjoyed learning, and I had the good fortune to make some good friends. Also, in Ireland there are no college fees, plus you could apply for a maintainance grant. This meant it was a relatively carefree time, where you didn't have to worry about the so-called 'real world' very much. Those were the days!

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    2. What did you study? Philosophy?

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    3. I attempted university twice, in two different countries doing a computer engineering degree. In both cases I found the whole thing a charade and the lecturers and the programmes taught an embarrasment, both in Europe and in the UK. That was a big, big unexpected surprise to find that the quality of the teaching and the staff was so low to the point of making ME embarrassed for being there, for having any involvement in that. In both cases, I dropped out in the middle of the second year. First I started to skip selectively the classes that were boring to death, then I stopped attending the ones "merely" bearably boring, the I stopped caring about and attending the whole thing altogether. Had other more useful/interesting/pleasurable things to do in my time, even if that was doing nothing (yes I'm "lazy" by nature - I was intuitively perceiving society's mechanisms of enslavement). When letters from the unis started pouring in I shredded them unopened.

      The first time I went to university because it was the thing expected of me to do. The second time I did it because I still has some illusions left.

      I don't thing you've missed out on anything, Anonymous. But if university is free or heavily subsidized where you live and you have nothing to lose, you might as well give it a try to satisfy your curiosity and see wether you like it and it suits you.

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    4. Anonymous 1, I studied Philosphy and Classical Civ.

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  2. I feel like complaining today, too. And yesterday was annoying as well.
    Summer is here (!!), and that's what was killing me yesterday as my air-conditioner broke. I caught a cold and was maybe having a small fever in addition to there being almost no fresh air in the room, no breeze and +35C. So I had to walk (feeling dizzy all the way, I thought Id pass out) to a restaurant to cool down there and have dinner. Helped, actually. On the way home I went in the pharmacy and that's where I found my 'fellow sufferer': the pharmacist was seemingly doing even worse with the coughing and sneezing, and although the temp. there was ok, I assumed it wasn't that great to have to work while you're sick.
    Today as I am feeling better I thought I could go with my friend to the beach and get some vitamin D. While I was packing a bag and getting dressed the clouds arrived and it started raining.
    Trivial problems, I know. But life is full of them and that's what's annoying. In a life of a finite being every day should count and matter.
    I'm not good at delusions any more but Im so far doing all right with distractions. As you said, its waiting. Till the shit hits the fan maybe...
    Sorry for whining on your blog, btw, I usually do not)))
    I agree the celebrity obsession is disgusting. People have to invent false meanings for this futile race. Like with phobias, where mechanism is to become afraid of things that aren't really too dangerous in order to not be totally consumed by the dread of what is really scaring the person. We have to invent false little meanings that we can control and achieve in order to not think about the fact that life is either devoid of all meaning or it is ungraspable to us, and we're fucked in both cases.

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    1. Irina, I'm ringing in resonance with your post. These problems may be "small", but there's absolutely no goddamn justification for them! I mean, just why do we have to sprain ourselves or put up with bad weather even ... There's no reason, except 'because we're alive'.

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    2. No problem about complaining, Irina:-) Yes, celebrities are the new gods, no doubt about it. Whatever the problematics of worshipping an unseen, divine entity, the idea that we should worship other humans is both laughable and disgusting.

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    3. Holy fuck, complaining, winning babies! Life, education, a meal you prepare, even sex are all what you make of them.

      Bitching about the weather, how hot it is out, catching the fricking sniffles--its all so childish and filled with sickening entitlement. Get the fuck over your sorry selves and do something that contributes to someone or thing else in some small positive way.

      If your existence here is really about these pathetic comments above, than perhaps you should take yourselves out of the game and perform your grand exit.

      There is getting to be too dam many of us here in the manifested reality anyway, so if some miserable, nasty buggers want to voluntarily clock-off, fill your boots friends.

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  3. Damn right, just let go of life, it is not worth it. (As inmendham would say.)

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  4. I certainly understand how that girl must have felt. With my own life I've decided to wait it out rather than taking the active approach of suicide. It's been near 30 years of waiting thus far...30 excruciating, humiliating, boring years I never wanted in the first place. The horror to me is how much longer this could drag on.

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    1. I sometimes feel guilty for the fact that aged 35 I'm not exactly in love with life while many, many others who absolutely adored it have died at younger ages than I've attained. Strange to be so wary of something others unquestioningly worship.

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    2. I think life is designed as torture....death seems to avoid those of us who want it and strikes those who want to live. When we were teenagers, an aquaintence of mine was killed instantly in a wreck. He had big plans for the future that he seemed to be looking forward to. Whilst myself, disabled beyond the ability to have any realistic hopes and dreams for my life, continue living year after year.

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    3. Seems we are all around the same age, chronologically. I´m close to 30 every day now, as well.

      And there´s only the wait. I´m gonna create a post on this, drinking on Karl´s post and your comment.

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  5. Anon of July 9 11:50:

    It's only my mother in my case.

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  6. Karl, I don't understand why you are so angry!

    I am in fact happy that Handan found the courage to do what so few of us manage to. She truly is in a better place, like you finally said. My sympathies to Estnihil and Handan's other friends.

    Viewing sympathetically, particle accelerators and Higgs boson are like the guitar to Handan, and Schopenhauer to some of us ... they're just something to keep people's minds off life, if only temporarily.

    This is not to say the life-celebration of these scientists isn't sick beyond vomit. What's more, the wealth and fame these puke-sick people get is something others could use too ...

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    1. Srikant, I think the anger comes from seeing a sensitive person driven to annihilation by the horror of a world which includes paying out 10K to celebrity assholes while 25,000 people die every day from starvation. I mean, what a nightmare.

      Agree that science is a means of distraction for many. I only get angry when it's presented as THE answer and solution to all of our woes.

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  7. Hi everyone,

    Longtime lurker, first time poster, just wanted to thank all the bloggers and contributors, notably Karl, Sister and Shadow, all of whom possess must see blogs for me. I am sure that there are more quality ones out there, i apologize for not mentioning them!

    I am 23 years old and have been a anti-natalist since before i knew of the term. Ever since a young age, i could never understand why, or how everyone was seemingly happy and joyous with the slavery that is life. How people are so shallow and unwittingly curel by bringing children into this world without even contemplating philosophical truths.

    The world is so shallow, materialism rules, as Karl said above, celebrities are the new gods, there is no love or respect, its all about getting as much money as possible, and then showing off your earnings (via consumption of luxury goods). Meanwhile people starve to death because they dont have anything, and noone really cares.

    I have anxiety problems, live alone, so all my free time, its just me and the internet, and i am comfortable with this (however am uncomfortable with the stigma that is attached to such a isolated lifestyle).

    I recently talked to my mom about all the hardships that we have had becuase of my father (who is an absolute, scum of the earth piece of trash), and she said "yoou know what, it was all worth it, because i have you". I did not mean to offend her (and therefore didn't mention that the statement was kinda offensive to me). I also asked her why she had me, and she said because had a dog which had died and she needed something. I don't mean to make her sound like a terrible person, because she is actually pretty awesome and has gone through a lot herself, its just a state of ignorance, complete ignorance, a state which i think that the majority of society live in.

    Thank you for the good work.

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    1. Thanks for the comment and the kind words, Anonymous! Much appreciated. I'm pretty sure all the regulars know exactly how you feel; I certainly do.

      I mean, maybe I'm really, really missing something here, but I simply cannot understand how anyone with their eyes open can unquestioningly accept and enjoy life. It strikes me that you really have to be a smug, self-content, bit-of-a-jerk to be comfortable with this earthly existence.

      I figure either two things: a) there is something intrinsically marvellous about life that everyone else can see, something that compensates for all its horrors which I, for whatever reason, am simply blind to, or b) people construct titanium bubbles for themselves in order to allow them to get through the days.

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    2. TY Anon for your appraisal. And thanks everyone who writes telling a story and showing that you are there, supporting the ideas. I cherish that.

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  8. I am so happy that the internet has allowed me to connect with people who share my philosophy. I truly cannot put into words how important it is to me to have a place where i can feel comfortable being myself, in the company of my brothers and sisters.

    I agree with your summation Karl, i lean towards b), it seems to be that its illusions and grandeur that keep the masses drugged. Like Marx said, religion is the opitate of the masses, we could substitute "religion" for a number of things and arrive at the same conclusion.

    Looking around, everyone but the privledged few are shackled into slavery, they call it "employment" and the masters "employers" (there are obviously different tiers of masters, with employers themselves being slaves to a higher class).

    They get by their days, grinding away, so they can look forward to the weekend, what is it about these two days that is so holy and beautiful that it compensates for the literal slavery that is in the previous 5 days? Its either watching fellow slaves on TV (sports, movies etc) or escaping from the reality of life by consuming drugs (be it in the form of alcohol or release of chemicals in the brain via orgasm).

    Malcom X once said that there are two classes of slaves, those who are out in the fields suffering openly, and those who suffer in quiet, in their masters houses.

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    1. Yes, and the truly hilarious thing is how many people then complain about how boring the weekend is! Not to mention their restlessness at Christmas and other periods. I think that's why ultimately my compassion for the human race is, alas, a pretty abstract one. In the flesh, so many seem happy to build their own prisons as a way of conforming, and then complain about it afterwards. It's hard to feel too sorry for such people.

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    2. The fact that it is referred to as the weekend, to me, implies a sub conscious hat tip towards anti natalism, note the "end" part. Everyone looks forward to the end of the period of time which consumes the majority of their lives.

      Saturday and Sunday are also the new gods.

      I also note with interest that, when presented with a hypothetical orcale from whom any answer can be derived, it seems to be a fairly mainstream question to ask "what is the meaning of life?". I am pretty sure that there are many anti-natlists out there, they just don't realise it (or are socially oppressed, or deluded, into supressing their realization).

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    3. We're definitely living on a planet of deluded lunatics; that, at least, seems certain. So much noise, so much clamour, so much barking about 'the individual'. I wonder if the last is so loud because people really know that in our contemporary societies, the individual doesn't really exist, only 'the economy', the strange and distant god who continually requires blood sacrifice to avert its wrath.

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    4. Hi Karl,

      "We're definitely living on a planet of deluded lunatics; that, at least, seems certain. So much noise, so much clamour, so much barking about 'the individual'."

      True that. The only thing that bugs me about people who talk a big game about the individual however, are those who don't actually respect the individual, the ownership of self and the private space in which the self is required to reside for a time.

      "I wonder if the last is so loud because people really know that in our contemporary societies, the individual doesn't really exist, only 'the economy', the strange and distant god who continually requires blood sacrifice to avert its wrath."

      It isn't just contemporary society that's the problem, but all of them throughout history. I, for one, may not like the circumstances that brought me to this place, but it stands to reason that I demand some level of dignity and privacy whilst I am required to reside within this form, and with an independent mind. We exist as individuals currently, so there is nothing else that we can possibly be. How can an economy be detrimental to an individual when it simply allows the storage of earned wealth, represents the fruits of our labor, and gives one an efficient means my which to trade goods or services between one another? Commodity money has existed as long as anyone has had a desire to trade one item for another. So, it can't be economies themselves that are detrimental to the individual... unless those economies are hijacked by individuals working as a collective, so that they may benefit themselves through the use of coercion and force. Consider the steady transition from commodity money to fiat currency with all governments of the planet, and you'll see what I mean.

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    5. Taxation on that which I have already earned (my precious labor) is theft. Taxation of my land or personal property is slavery. I am already an unwilling slave to natural law, so why on Earth would I agree to handing myself over to the rapacious dictates of man? All governments (as well as a frighteningly large number of private individuals) take the position that nothing can be owned by an individual. If everything that I claim is mine is actually being "rented" (through obliged tax payments) this makes tax payments into rent obligations. That's positively insane! If I don’t own the house I live in and the property upon which it sits, or the fruits of my labor, then how does it follow that someone else does? If someone else does, then how did his or her claim become superior to mine? Kings took advantage of the madness of group reasoning, by claiming a divine right to such takings. Governments continue to claim this "divine right of kings". What a crock.

      I would never give my personal blessing to such individuals, as to allow such underhanded thuggery. They are following their DNA god to the expected end game, which is: the furthering of their immediate genetic lineage; to the detriment of the individual. Remember, the individual is not self replicating and poses no threat to you. The collective and the insensitive mentality of which it is possessed, is the real threat. The collective is itself - the mindless process of biological evolution and futility. If we cannot break free of such limits... what possible hope could we have in liberation from this physical plane?

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    6. Garrett, unfortunately reality is a messy business and the ideal of the self-contained individual, self-founding and self-determining is precisely that: an ideal. We emerge, literally, from someone else; we are immediately delivered into the care of others; we speak, think and reflect in a language that has been shaped by others over thousands of years; our morality and philosophy is the product of thousands of years of social interaction and reflection; our individuality is determined by interactions with others and so on.

      Also, I fear your picture of original economies may be somewhat idealised. I think we can safely assume that there has always been cheating, power-bidding, backhandedness etc etc. Today's set-up is merely the inevitable inflation of that. It is, sadly, a war of all against all. Who can determine what a 'just' settlement is? What is 'fairness'? The state exists to perform activities that no single individual could perform alone: provide education, infrastructure, power supplies etc. Obviously this ideal inevitably becomes corrupted because of the flaws in human nature, but that's just how it is and we are forced to make the best of it.

      The best anyone can do who loathes it is to either opt out altogether and become a hermit etc or else seek to find as comfortable a niche as possible in the system, one they can tolerate while keeping as clean as possible. Anyone seeking salvation by immersing themselves in the mainstream is on the road to frustration.

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    7. Nice to see this discussion here! Great points.

      Let´s keep the black flag up!

      Let´s all spread awareness, conscience, reflections of justice, of peace - ideas that humanity apparently don´t cherish anymore, if it ever did! Let´s keep sane, and try and spread sanity in this hell of a world.

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    8. Let´s no forget:

      "It is, sadly, a war of all against all."

      It is indeed a war. Let no one tell you otherwise.

      It is comfortable to be around some parts of family, or with friends sometimes, but it normally is just a pause of all the war that goes on in society in the normal days. Not only war, but violence and corruption.

      This is why the message of AN is of utmost importance.

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  9. Existence is the ultimate master and we are all its slaves

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  10. Just to quickly defend those of us who are at least mildly excited about the news from CERN. I, for one, am always glad when progress is made in science, because I believe scientific progress generally makes people's lives better than they otherwise would have been. Granted, in this particular case, it's not immediately clear how this discovery will personally affect my life in the future, if it will at all. And believe me, I am 100% on board with the sentiment that it's all just another meaningless facet of this shitty universe that by all rights should never have existed in the first place. But frankly, if I'm going to be sitting here wishing that I had never been born and that I had an easy way out, I'd much rather do so while watching HD porn on my laptop with broadband internet access, in my home which has 24/7 electricity and hot running water and a medicine cabinet stocked with painkillers, et cetera. Life is indeed an unspeakable horror; but I get excited about things like the Higgs Boson because they're representative of an underlying science-positive culture which (as far as I'm concerned) serves the purpose of making life ever-so-slightly less hellish.

    Plus, the geek in me just plain loves learning how things work. That's something I can never help :)

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    1. I should emphasize that that last bit is actually very important to me; if I'm aware that I'm trapped in the belly of a beast, it is reassuring that said beast's innards can be partially understood and manipulated. "Know thy enemy," right? Learning about the workings of the universe-prison reduces my suffering as long as I'm an inmate here, or so my experience has been.

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  11. Well, Todd, to each their own, but personally I'm with the line someone quoted above that the more we discover the more pointless it seems. Science = disenchantment, for me anyway. Also, re. technological developments, bear in mind it cuts both ways. Sure, you may have your porn and electricity, but you also have your nuclear weapons, drones, surveillance technology etc etc. And, of course, from the antinatal perspective, scienctific knowledge has led to the skyrocketing of the world's population, the effects of which are already becoming pretty apparent.

    And this isn't in reaction to your comment, but I was thinking last night that the idea that people living in this age are the most fortunate is so utterly laughable. Every human forges a life no matter what the circumstances. When I see someone like Steven Pinker desperately trying to prove how much better the 'modern world' is compared to the previous eras based on finessing the stats I reach for the puke bucket. As one reviewer said, there's something almost touching about someone who so detests religion displaying such unquestioning blind belief in his own pollyanna faith.

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    1. I get how Todd feels, but my particular take on this goes more alongside Karl´s. Althogh the sciences do provided us with some stuff that certainly makes our lives a little less hellish - sunblock, toothpaste, transportation, internet - it has a double edged sword aspect. It cuts both ways, as Karl said. This is not to say that I prefer living in the wild, in caves: I sure as hell don´t. But this whole technology equals progress is just another charade, just another façade that is a part of our society´s paradigm, unfortunatelly.

      Granted, I know exactly what you are talking about Todd, (guess we all do), but the point is this whole mentality that "all will be better, now that we have this -", be it the higgs boson, or quantum mechanics, or space travel, or whatever. It won´t, as we all know.

      This is not a reaction to your post as well, just pondering.

      Cheers, fellow AN

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  13. I think a purely empathetic philosophical suicide would be rare. Anyone distressed enough to actually kill themselves would usually be personally on the receiving end of something bad, such as boredom or frustration.

    When it comes to the question of what are we doing here, I'm the sort of person who would be driven to suicide by frustration rather than by boredom. (Of course they are often connected; the person who is bored may be someone who would have had purposes but can't find the social leverage to pursue them.)

    I am a sort of metaphysical transhumanist and so existence has plenty for me to do. I espouse antinatalism simply out of mercy; you shouldn't create a being because of the *hazards* of existence. A person can be lucky in their experience and/or their attitudes, but just the chance of ending up in misery or agony is enough to make reproduction unwise. (The main antinatalist specter in my life is the hypothetical negative utilitarian with a doomsday device, who proposes to end all existing lives right now, for the same reason - to save them from something worse that may come...)

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    1. What is a "metaphysical transhumanist"?

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    2. Yes, not the best expression. It means that I reject contemporary "naturalism" in favor of an ontology more like an interacting monadology, in which elementary entities have proto-psychological qualities, but otherwise I have similar values and expectations of the future, to an ordinary transhumanist.

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    3. "What is a 'metaphysical transhumanist'?"
      "It's like a furry, but with a much larger vocabulary."

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  14. Well, Mitchell, there are plenty of those specters around, if you ever look at other discussions and threads.

    I don't doubt the truth of Handan's death. It strikes me as emminently likely that one could be driven to suicide by an inability to escape the knowledge that we are trapped in an insane asylum full of deluded sadists.

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  15. And here we have someone else lauding the Higgs Boson, just like a urinologist holding up a vintage sample for inspection:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/aug/05/jeff-forshaw-higgs-boson-discovery

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  16. "What the Fuck Are We Doing Here?"

    Easy: we are being productive. Productive, useful people are those who major in STEM subjects. We do not need philosophy or artsy majors, we need engineers and scientists. They are the people who make possible the debate we have right now, they are the true heroes. They decide the course of humanity, its future and well-being. So, go and study a math-heavy subject like electrical engineering or die off, slowly.

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    1. Again, you're just assuming that the human enterprise is worth continuing in the first place. Maybe you should reflect on that.

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    2. Lol, the irony and stupidity of that statement, right Karl?

      That´s the way the world at large thinks anyway. It´s advertised that way.

      "He is good at math, he is brilliant" - "Einstein and physics and atoms and all that..."

      To hell with that! Minions of the Demiurge! Go to hell!

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    3. Also, hypocritical as hell:

      "We do not need philosophy or artsy majors..."

      Yeah, that´s right. I´m ready to assume you don´t watch movies right? Or don´t go to any plays? Do you even have a family? It seems to me you are far more pessimistic than you imagine then, for negating art and philosophy in your life. You stupid sack of atoms.

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  17. The one thing I ever asked my psychotherapists to do was help me get over my fear of death...cuz that's what I really want...OUT OF THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE

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  18. Wow, this blog post is still active over a year later, I may as well add to the conversation then.

    For me, I find it hard to comprehend how people go on about their everyday lives like headless chickens, without ever stopping for one second and asking one of the most basic questions... "How and why am I here".

    We've all had the covers pulled over our eyes and from an early aged brainwashed into functioning like a robot, told what is and isn't normal, how we should and shouldn't look, how to communicate and many many other aspects of every day life.

    For me, I don't want to die and I AM grateful to be here...

    Not knowing how or why is the reason society operates around money and stature, it's a coping mechanism to keep us from asking the fundamental questions of our existence. For the majority of people, they would never know it's there, or even ask these questions.

    This way of thinking is so deeply embedded into our psyche, that even I have noticed it when asking friends about such topics... usually in a calm casual reply they state, it's not something they think about.

    Why would any intelligent being not want to justify their existence? I understand we may never really know the true meaning of life or what it even is and that frustrates me, in one sense it means your life is pointless and the only satisfaction you will ever have is from material bullshit..

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    1. Materials are the extent of this world. The emotions you feel are induced by chemicals, material. Cope with that, or don't. It's a choice.

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  19. Asking questions is akin to getting involved in this "hell hole". If you really want your way out, quit wanting. Anything. Even deliverance. Attachment is the cause of all "pain". No desire no pain.

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  20. We are here on earth because God needs us.

    Here are two links below:
    1. https://sekharpal.wordpress.com/2016/02/14/why-does-the-universe-exist/
    2. https://sekharpal.wordpress.com/2016/02/07/why-did-god-create-the-universe/

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  21. I just layed down to sleep when the unending existential crisis set in. Then I decided to type "why the hell are we here" and I ended up on this website. AHHH I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want to die. Why the hell are we here? The story of humanity won't matter. I won't matter. I'm going to die. And my beloved conciousness is going to end. It could end any second. As I lay crying my heart shakes and I'm reminded how fragile I am. It just pisses me off that someone's decided to put us here without an explanation. Because it's going to be so fucking hard to leave all this beauty. It's just so amazing and I have to give it up. It just pisses me off that I might have to leave all this behind prematurely. I guess I just have to remind myself how awesome it is and lucky I am that I'm alive to get through this.

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