Ok, it’s going to be an angry post. Angry, grrrrrrrrr. No particular reason, just woke up, it’s Monday, the skies are leaden-grey (Oh Summer, where art thou?), I don’t feel like doing anything, and I’m weary of existence. Definitely just one of those ‘What the fuck are we doing here?’ days.
Anyway, estnihil’s latest post features a heart-rending story about an acquaintance of his who committed suicide due to her inability to tolerate the suffering of the world and the general nature of existence:
A pen-pal (I think that's the word for e-mail friend) of mine recently committed suicide, and in her case she did not have a mental illness so much as an existential illness. While she was wide awake, performed excellently with a guitar and had long-distance running as a hobby, and most certainly felt pleasure in her life, she could not get past in life her insurmountable hatred for the way things are in the world. This is what I can glean from her past replies to my e-mails, in any case. Her problem was one that could never have been solved in the first place without either the power of a deity or an extremely realistic virtual reality machine. It was also an illness that was causing her quite a bit of suffering; she could not go through the day without hating the world more and more, without despising the desperate void of nothingness and the unthinking masses and the suffering all around us. If she was bad at anything, she was bad at self-delusion. And again, that is an insolvable problem for one whose values do not allow a change in this.
I felt real, hopeless anger when I read this. As someone who experiences the world more or less in identical terms to this girl, I despair. I mean, really, what the fuck are we doing here hanging around, hoping for who-knows-what? But, of course, life being what it is, there’s no way out (bar the pretty horrible recourse of committing a fatal assault on yourself) and no solution. You just have to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait and wait (What else is religion, ultimately, but waiting? Waiting for death, God, redemption, another dimension of existence and so on). And if you’re not good at delusion or distraction, time is going to hang heavy and I mean heavy.
And then, as commenters on the previous post were discussing, we have the usual moronic suspects peeing themselves over the Higgs-Boson particle. I mean SO FUCKING WHAT? The boffins have identified another element of matter, so fucking what? It doesn’t matter! Matter doesn’t matter! It’s just another cog in the great machine. I mean, sure, intellectual satisfaction is nice and grand, but ultimately IT MAKES NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE TO LIFE AS LIVED. Does knowing how the physics of the guillotine operate make me feel better when I hear the whosh of the blade as it heads towards my neck? IDIOTS! ASSHOLES!
And to finish this rant, I’ve just been informed by someone in the PR business that a certain celeb has demanded 10,000 dollars to fly to and fro across the Atlantic to appear for 15 minutes on a London chat-show where they can spout on about themselves and generally masturbate on the moronic viewers. Yup, that’s the kind of world we live in, folks. Make the best of it!
Handan (estnihil’s deceased friend), RIP. You are truly in a better place.